I used to tell people I was born depressed.

An open channel, a deeply sensitive child, wise, profoundly sad, and living in a family environment that was unconscious and unhealed.

It was like I bore all the sadness of the world around me.

I had a longing in my heart to help others, knowing that I had so much to give—so much wisdom, patience, and kindness.

But those closest to me didn't recognize my gifts or my purpose. And because my deepest and truest self was never acknowledged, I was left feeling like I didn't quite exist in this world.

I felt fundamentally incompatible with the world, and unwanted.

And because of the terror, neglect, and violence of my childhood, I grew up to be an adolescent who was a match for more trauma and abuse.

I was living in hell. I was completely isolated. My nervous system was wrecked. I was always on edge. My spirit was not in my body.

I lived in this hellish realm up until I crawled my way out of it in the early 2020s...

During my Saturn return, COVID arrived, the world was falling apart, and I was in my fourth year of graduate school in a deep crisis—again.

My crisis forced me to leave school and attempt to find help one last time.

I had already tried all the conventional methods for healing: years of psychotherapy, psychiatry, and self-care.

But my issues always came back. The suicidality was still there, to the point where I was making concrete plans to end my life.

Then one day, I said goodbye to my dog. I packed a gun and went for a drive in the mountains, looking for a place where I could end things.

A few hours later, I was still driving, and I suddenly saw an image of my dog—and he looked very distressed.

I wasn't very open to or aware of my psychic abilities at that time, but it was like I was seeing him exactly as he was in that moment, back at home.

A sense of knowing and clarity dropped into my body.

And I thought to myself, "I have to go home to Banjo."

Though the desire to end things was still there, that image of my dog was enough to bring me home, safely.

For the following week, I felt like I was on pause. I couldn't abandon Banjo, but I couldn’t go on with life as it was. I had to figure out what I hadn’t already tried to help keep myself alive.

I realized that one thing I had never really done was set aside my rational mind and follow my intuition completely.

Then I remembered that, years ago, I had watched a video from a spiritual teacher who talked about suicidality and depression in a way that resonated with me.

So I pulled up her website and saw that she was hosting a retreat nearby in just two weeks. And I signed up.

It was this string of intuitions that took me from nearly ending my life in the mountains of Colorado to a remote home in Utah seeking help from strangers.

Now, I'd like to point out that, at this time, I wasn't spiritual.

I was the opposite: I was the spiritual skeptic on the spiritual retreat.

But my attitude was, “You say you can help people—well, prove it. Let’s see what you’ve got.” I was there for experimentation.

And ultimately, I feel like my skepticism worked my favor. I told myself, "Just go along with it, give it your all and see what happens. Then you can decide if this is nonsense."

On day 1, I was working with this teacher one-on-one, channeling the part of myself that wanted to die.

She started explaining Source consciousness, and how we come from Source and have an intention and purpose when we incarnate.

Then she said the thing that changed my life forever...

She told me that if I were to kill myself, then I wouldn't be completing my purpose here. I would, in fact, choose to incarnate again in an even more difficult life because I didn't get it done the first time.

When she said it, I froze for a moment, like I was suspended in time—because I knew it was true.

I’ve always had a deep sense of purpose, and of course I’d choose to make things harder for myself if I didn’t succeed. That’s just how I am.

So I said to her, “Well, yeah!” and she smiled.

It was like she could see a truth I believed about myself but never thought anyone else would ever understand.

It was what I had been waiting for my entire life: for someone to acknowledge that I did have a purpose, and a profound one—one that will change the world.

I couldn't believe that someone could see me.

It didn’t matter that I had no rational explanation for what I was experiencing and understanding in that moment. She spoke to the truth of my soul.

I continued to give it my all for the rest of the retreat. When I left, I still didn't know what my purpose was, or what my gifts were (she actually told me, "You don't know what your gifts are."), but I now had this desire to uncover my gifts and discover my purpose.

I was ready to commit to my life.

Over the next two years, I did everything I could.

I found teachers, joined spiritual communities, and did shadow work all day and night. I meditated and discovered my intuitive gifts.

I started spiritual training with a shaman who kept telling me again and again that I was a healer.

And over time, I crawled my way out of hell.

I reconnected with the gifts of my Korean heritage and my ancestral lineage. I opened up to my healing abilities, my destiny as a mudang—a shaman. I developed a spiritual practice which is now the foundation of my life.

I slowly came to understand how I am meant to help others and how everything I have ever experienced in life has prepared me to do so.

Today, I am aligned with my path.

My life, which was once ruled by fear and doubt, is now grounded in peace, trust, and an unshakeable faith.

I feel confident, safe, loved, and happy.

I’m with my partner, who is everything my heart has ever wanted. My relationships are stronger than ever. My work and education are flourishing. My life is brilliant—materially, emotionally, and spiritually.

And Banjo is healthy and happy.

~Jinny uses she/her pronouns and identifies as cis and pan.

~She’s a 6/2 Projector in Human Design.

~She’s a Capricorn sun, Capricorn moon, and Gemini rising.

~Her Day Master is Yang Metal.

~Jinny is vegan, but in her heart, her favorite food is lasagna!

~Jinny loves to play the piano.

Jinny lives in Denver, Colorado. When she’s not slaying demons with fierce compassion, she trains as a master’s counseling student in Buddhist psychology. Her goal is to serve people who have experienced severe trauma and abuse.